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Trash Talkin' Tom

The latest columns:

Yet Another Totally Trashy Tournament Report

R/G Spoo
The Drek I Have to Build 'til Destiny is Legal

Type II tournament at Boldo's (A better place to drop points!)
Friday June 18th, 1999
Unsanctioned (only six people showed, so of course I won.)

Yeah, I won. No, hell didn't freeze over.

I'm all a-tither with excitement. Let's start, shall we?

Deck List:

4x Simian Grunts
4x Treetop Rangers
4x Skyshroud Elf
4x Pouncing Jaguar
2x Avalanche Riders
2x Viashino Heretic
3x Ticking Gnomes
1x Mirri, Cat Warrior
4x Rancor
4x Creeping Mold
4x Shock
4x Giant Growth

3x Treetop Villages
3x Gaea's Cradle
2x Mogg Hollows
1x Karplusan Forest
4x Mountains
7x Forests

I show up Friday irritated because I couldn't find any Cradle Guards, and I know I have them. Also, I couldn't find my second Karplusen Forest. At home I unleashed a string of invective that peeled the paint off the walls. I hate not being able to find the cards I want.

I get to Boldo's and find out we'll play a Type II tourny, it just won't be sanctioned. Well no biggie, methinks, unless I win it. (foreshadowing)

Round 1: Roger "After Hours" Wink - Green Spoo

Game 1:
Roger - Treetop Ranger
Me - Treetop Ranger
Roger - Rancor
Me - Rancor
Roger - Rancor
Me - Oh, Spoo!

I draw no Shocks and lose to a double Rancored Treetop Ranger. Sometime during this massive beating, I try to block Roger's Ranger with mine. Bzzzzzt! Important lesson boys and girls: Even though he acts like he flies, he actually doesn't! Oh, Spoo!

Game 2:
I don't remember a friggin' thing except I had Giant Growths and he didn't. I win.

Game 3:
Ditto game 2. This report sucks, doesn't it?

1-0, 2-1

Round 2: John "I came to play, really" Dwyer - W/R Angel Trumpet

Game 1:
John plays nothing but land. He doesn't cast anything except an Oracle en-Vec (I think). I'm a mean person and cast creatures and put horrible enchantments on them and beat poor John down.

Game 2:
John doesn't draw any land and he just sits there like a wide-eyed racoon while I run over him. (Hey, did you know it's legal in Tennessee to pick up road-kill and take it home and cook it up? Travel on a budget!)

Poor John. I asked him if I could see his deck because I still didn't know what it did.

2-0, 4-1

Round 3:
"Hippie Freak" Boldo - Boldo Spoo

This is for all the burritos (or something like that...)

Game 1: He doesn't draw a Island and I crush him like bug.

Game 2: He draws Islands. He draws cards, taps and untaps stuff, draws more cards, throws cards in graveyard, throws cards out of the game, taps and untaps more stuff, draws more cards. Shows me a selection of random cards and says, "I got it." Drooling, I nod my head and scoop. Checkers, anyone?

Game 3:
Ah, my head clears. He gets greedy and goes for the lock early. He casts a Diminishing Returns and gets boopkus. I try to Creeping Mold his MoM; he counters. A couple turns later I try again. Poor baby's out of counters. Scragnoth administers tender lovin'.

3-0, 6-2


So of course this isn't sanctioned and I get NO points.

Exciting, wasn't it? Stay tuned and I might do a report from a Limited tourny, where I really suck and act like a brat, too!

peace out, playas and write me, dammit!


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TrashTalkin' Tom's Terribly Tawdry Tournament Report

Tuesday May 25, 1999: Standard Tournament, Boldo's Armory

Gee Whiz, I don't even remember how many people were in the stupid tournament. Eight, I think. It was sanctioned, anyway.

I played Red/Green land destruction:

16 Land Destruction
4x Stone Rain
4x Raze
4x Winters Grasp
2x Lay Waste
2x Scorched Earth

6 Direct Damage
2x Fault Line
2x Arc Lightning
2x Steam Blast

16 Creatures
4x Birds of Paradise
4x Avalanche Riders
3x Argothian Wurms
3x Viashino Heretic
2x Shivan Hellkite

24 Land
3x Gaia's Cradle
2x Karplusan Forest
The rest Mountains and Forests in some harmonious ratio that never screwed me.

The Lay Waste's and Scorched Earth's are being replaced by Pillage when 6th rolls in. The direct damage is geared entirely toward weenie removal, thus Arc Lightning over Shock or Incinerate. Fault Line is a great finisher if I have no beef on the table. The Heretic's and the Wurm's were the MVP's of the tournament. I never was able to cast a Hellkite and the Riders were just four more land kill with a bite.

Three rounds, then a final four.

Round 1: Mike "Ruffdaddy" Ruff - playing a tinker/welder deck that I didn't see much of.

First game - He gets out a boatload of artifacts (including two grafted skullcaps) but I kill all his land and he stalls. Wurm serves.

Second game - See above. He's only playing nineteen land and that's not good when your opponent's playing sixteen land destruction.

We played a couple of games for fun and I smoked him some more. I'm not a very good match for him. In more ways than one. :-)

1-0; 2-0

Round 2: Shaun "Puffy" Kemp - Same as me , only with Tradewind Riders and mana elves.

First game - In a mirror match, the first person who kills land should win. This game it was me. The Wurm served again. BTW, first turn Shaun played forest, bird. This will be important later.

Second game - Again, Shaun plays first turn forest, bird. I just sit there because all my land is vacationing on the French Rivera or something. I lose.

Third game - First turn: me: mountain, go. Shaun: forest, FREAKIN' bird. WHATEVER. I'm playing birds too, y'know. I have a decent hand, but Shaun kills three land in a row, and then has the audacity to apologize to me because I'm now mana hosed. So I begin yelling at him, calling him "moron" and "the Antichrist". The kid sitting next to Shaun looks at me like I'm a lunatic and looks at Shaun, expecting him to start pummeling me. Hah! Little does the kid know I'd just smother Shaun in the luscious expanse of my belly. I am Buddha! Worship me!

1-1; 3-2

Round 3: Neal "Lovin' Spoonful" Calcoate - red/white passive damage deck (ankhs and iron maidens)

He said he had direct damage, but I never saw it.

First game - Despite Neal getting an Ankh out, my landkill flowed smoothly and the Wurm served.

Second game - Two Ankh of Mishra's for him + no land for me = I lose. Radiant Dragoons helped with the beatdown.

Third game - This game can be summed up in two words: Viashino Heretic. Neal cast two Iron Maidens, an Ankh and a Fellwar Stone, but the Heretic ate them all. That, and my ability to kill all his red mana, frustrated Neal enough for him to concede after an Avalanche Rider killed his lonely plain. Neal was kind enough to vent his frustration by hurling a card across the room while roundly cursing the brokeness of the Heretic and bemoaning the fact that I was the third land destruction deck he faced tonight. I was just thankful that he didn't feel the need to dish up a lovin' spoonful of that frustration for me. I have a feeling Neal's not Buddhist.

2-1; 5-3

I made the finals! Whoooo!

Finals First round: Matt "Grizzly Bear" Hoffman - white weenie

Oh, I just lose. We played two games, which I lost in short order. This incarnation of my deck loses horribly to white weenie. It's just too slow. I have to think up a strategy to try to contain white weenie without weakening the deck against the rest of the field. A scrub's work is never done.

Keep zippy, T3

Comments, suggestions and general kvetching can be addressed to

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Scrubaholics Anonymous

Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. I've been busy, you know? I got a life, dammit.

Whatever. I don't believe it either. Anyhoo, on with the musings.

The DCI recently saw fit to ban nine BA-ROOOKEN cards in the Standard environment. The most BA-ROOOKEN of those cards being Lotus Petal, of course.

Guess what I'm decorating my Christmas tree with this year?

For the most part, I agree with the bannings. Red Sligh was just getting too weak. As a matter of fact, I don't think the DCI went far enough. Here are two more cards I'd ban.

Tinker - A turn two Colossus??? I can't burn that!

Memory Jar - Actually, I have almost no clue what this card does or how to break it. I just heard it was broken from the Dojo ( and I believe everything I read on the Dojo. (They have banned the Jar! Am I prophetic or what! Bad combos, bad!)

I predict a rash of mono-green decks, what with the plethora of new, cool cards green got. Guess what? Green will still suck. Prove me wrong. However, I think W/G Geddon decks have some possibility.

What's up with Ron Spenser? He either draws the most grotesque monsters known to man, or the cutest squirrels. He frightens me.

Scrubby play of the Day - During a recent booster draft, Oliver double Slow Motioned my Mother of Runes, while I had another Mother of Runes in play. They stuck and I got reeeally irritated. Pat Albro almost knocked me senseless.

The best card in Legacy - Might of Oaks. C'mon, a splashable instant that gives +7/+7? You'll never look at a Bird o' Paradise the same way again.

The worst card in Legacy - Aura Flux. Sounds like a metaphysical disease. In general, any Blue card that starts With 'Aether' or 'Aura' suck.

Well, that's all for now, scrubs. Remember, don't tap out.

Peace out,
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Ten Random Legacy Cards and Ten Random Thoughts

  1. Delusions of Mediocrity — R&D, it's not a delusion.

  2. Might of Oaks — I can't WAIT to kill someone with a mmmm...beefy Birds of Paradise. When I do, I'm doing the Big Buddha Happy Dance of Joy. Just watch me.

  3. Rancor — The GREEN HAMMER! Uh... no, not quite. But nothing else could make a Tragic Poet a creature to FEAR! And then the next 1/1 a creature to FEAR! And then the next...

  4. Weatherseed Treefolk — The GREEN HAMMER! No, I mean it! Big tree goes boom! and comes back to do it again.

  5. Lava Axe — This card blows! Just ask anybody! Until that fateful draft when some scrub hits you with four of them (4 x 5 = 20. Math hurts.) because you must've passed 35 of the damn things because, y'know, the card blows. Just ask anybody.

  6. Thran Weaponry — OhmyGod! This card rocks! It's BAAAHROOOKEN! Excuse me? Read the card? Oh, it says ALL creatures. Uhh... at least mine's foil.

  7. Radiant, Archangel — Wizards First Law of Angels: Must cost four or more mana. Three mana being the most any white mage should be willing to pay for a spell that doesn't kill EVERYTHING.

  8. Multani, Maro-Sorcerer — Did y'all hear Maro might be coming back in 6th? I've already named the deck "Multani and his Boyz". Fear it.

  9. Anthroplasm — Shouldn't this card be green?

  10. Avalanche Riders — Some good. The only Magic card with the face of a Pro Tour player on it. Maybe if you get him to sign it, it'll be worth something someday. Kinda like baseball cards. (I'll let you guess who the guy is).
That's it for now. Any comments, questions or blather can be directed to Remember, don't tap out.

Keep zippy,
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Last Modified on Thursday, 21-Oct-1999 21:31:46 EDT